I'm brave....no, really

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We all like to think that don't we? 
Think that whatever we are afraid of will just go away.

I'm afraid of a lot of things, and terrified of some. 
I didn't know whether to get humorous with this post or down right deep. It could go either way. I'm just going to write. 

  • being alone, like forever.
  • clowns.
  • failure.
  • commitment.
  • myself.
  • hurt.
  • success.
  • meeting new people.
  • putting myself 'out there'.
All these things I'm written mean so many things to different people. 
Deep down in my heart I am afraid of all these things, but my courage outweighs them. Not all the time. There have been, and will be many more moments where I can't summon up the courage, but for the majority I'm a brave girl.

No-one particularly likes being alone. Sure there are times we just wish everyone else would disappear and leave us alone to breathe for a moment, but no-one wants to be alone forever.
Personally I hate going into new places alone. I get that butterfly in the stomach feeling, and believe everyone is watching me. The reality is no-one is looking. As soon as I step over the threshold, smile at someone and say hello I am fine. It is just the first step. I'm sure this isn't just me.

You're probably thinking, 'Helen, how can you be afraid of success and failure at the same time'. Here's how I see it. If you are scared of failure it is because you have success and think everything is going to crumble around you. If you are scared of success it is because you don't believe you can or will ever succeed.
It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Which camp are you in?

Clowns. Well, that's self-explanatory. Those suckers are scary!

Ah commitment. This is the BIG one for me. You see I have seen that many 'loving' and 'committed' relationships fall down around me that I don't think I believe in the word anymore. This doesn't mean that when I am in a relationship with someone I cheat on them left, right, and centre. I just wouldn't do that. 
It means, I think, that I don't believe in marriage. This is so difficult to talk about being a Christian, but being with someone for the rest of my life scares terrifies me. The hurt thing comes in here too.
I haven't got this all clear in my own head, never mind about trying to share it with you.
What is your view on commitment? Please tell me I'm not alone with this one.

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2 comments

Trin @ ramsaygrace said...

You're not alone my friend! I think some of us have just seen and experienced too much. It's difficult to see things as rosy when you've seen the bad side. I'm believing though, that God has a plan for you {and me} and that we will see happier times. :-)

Mia Sutton said...

I hate clowns, too. Nothing is creepier to me than clowns! Ick. But I know exactly what you mean about seeing "committed" relationships fall apart. It's very hard to watch and then it definitely makes you think about yourself and how it affects your own relationships.
I always love reading your posts, you're so relatable! Keep your head up, girl. Love you.

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